World Cup

I was going to climb ice and mixed lines on gear.

Suddenly, I’m neck deep in clipping bolts and comp strategies.

Heck, I’m organising a dry tooling competition.

I’ve given up days out in the mountains with friends for days inside, practicing on plastic. 

Pulling bigger and bigger moves, using tinnier and tinnier holds. 

So many sudden tool popping, bone jarring thuds onto padded floors. 

How did this happen?

Will I climb stronger outside?

Which counts more?

I’ll never be ready. How can I ever feel ready?

I want more training.

My own wall I can lead on.

Foot work. How do I use completely open feet in the most efficient manner?

I did the same warm up I’ve always done.

I calmed down.

Doesn't look too bad, I’ve climbed harder. 

Remember what you’ve learned.

Nothing to lose, everything to gain.

I forgot.

I felt stiff.

My butt sagged.

I tried to move too quickly.

I fumbled a clip.

My tools popped.

My feet popped.

I fell.

Quickly.

Not before ripping an entire hold out of the wall.

We fed the stoke, before hoping the rope for the on deck position.

I laughed. Nervously. 

My friends cheered for two minutes.

They made me smile.

Forget the nerves. 

I shook it off.

Just the easier qualifier left.

Again. 

I slipped off early. 

My mind was blank. 

Part of me quit.

In the background I heard somone yelling.

“Get back on, get back on!”

Time was still running.

I got back on. 

Whats going on?

I slipped. Again.

My tool dropped.

She told me I was done. 

In a soft French accent.

I couldn’t take my eyes off the ground.

I grabbed my bag.

I stuffed my bib down into the bottom.

Lost in at mass of energy chews, wrappers, bits of grass and bars.

I flopped down.

I pulled the pillow over my head. 

I stayed there till I didn’t care anymore.

I had trained. 

I was strong.

I wasn’t going to win anything, but I could do better than that.

What did I miss?

How do I train my mind?

I've always done my best to own my shit. 

If I fail, it's me. 

I'm not strong enough. 

I can't handle the pressure. 

You don't get better by glossing over your weaknesses.

“Hey bud” he said slapping me on my shoulder.

“We’ve all had these days, we’ve all been there.”

I didn’t look up. 

I nodded.

Validation.

Its all you ask at the end of the day. 

Especially coming from him.

I didn’t have to explain why I didn’t do well. 

Thats the worst part.

The explaining.

I began to think about next time.

What could I learn?

What had I learned?

How can I finish one place higher than today?

I can’t finish any lower.

"If you can experience humiliation as not being bad, then you are free to try harder than ever before."